7/11
They call it 7/11 because that is the current punishment for the murder of a 7/11 clerk, 7 to 11 years. I thought it was that you could expect to wait 7 to 11 minutes to purchase whatever it is you want, from a cupcake generously handled by the many grotesqueries who mourn their wasted lives there every morning, to a million of their damn slurpies paid for by kids who, if you should touch them, will stick to you, courtesy of previous food product.
But I like the murder clause better. Murder typically imprisons one for a whole bunch of time, certainly more than 7 to 11 years. But removing a 7/11 clerk is a lower standard of crime and thus the state has decided (with its warm, Christian wisdom) that the punishment here should certainly fit the crime.
It's not that the 7/11 clerks haven't had a chance. Year after year these people (all different every six months of course, but representing almost a class of moron not deserving of mercy) have mopped floors, made excess coffee, chewed their gum, changed shifts (God. There are only three shifts, but they seem to be changing them whenever I want to check out with my pitiful ice cream sandwich and Diet Coke) in an effort to do anything possible to delay waiting on me. Do they get paid extra for keeping me in the store longer? I'm not buying more than I want. They can force me to stare at the lottery tickets all day. They can't make me cry.
FINALLY, when I get to the check out, I always pick the wrong register. The girl behind the counter is always logged into the other one, which she seemingly must punch her security numbers into, each time a new zombie tries to escape with his Moon Pie and coffee.
Certainly I would never commit murder, but that 7 to 11 years is a mighty tempting rouser for someone who believes that 7/11 needs a total management revamping. But don't kill some poor 7/11 clerk while he lays on his mop or changes his shift in an attempt to move up regime change. The world is filled with potential 7/11 clerks to take their place.
I hear they're downsizing the DMV.
But I like the murder clause better. Murder typically imprisons one for a whole bunch of time, certainly more than 7 to 11 years. But removing a 7/11 clerk is a lower standard of crime and thus the state has decided (with its warm, Christian wisdom) that the punishment here should certainly fit the crime.
It's not that the 7/11 clerks haven't had a chance. Year after year these people (all different every six months of course, but representing almost a class of moron not deserving of mercy) have mopped floors, made excess coffee, chewed their gum, changed shifts (God. There are only three shifts, but they seem to be changing them whenever I want to check out with my pitiful ice cream sandwich and Diet Coke) in an effort to do anything possible to delay waiting on me. Do they get paid extra for keeping me in the store longer? I'm not buying more than I want. They can force me to stare at the lottery tickets all day. They can't make me cry.
FINALLY, when I get to the check out, I always pick the wrong register. The girl behind the counter is always logged into the other one, which she seemingly must punch her security numbers into, each time a new zombie tries to escape with his Moon Pie and coffee.
Certainly I would never commit murder, but that 7 to 11 years is a mighty tempting rouser for someone who believes that 7/11 needs a total management revamping. But don't kill some poor 7/11 clerk while he lays on his mop or changes his shift in an attempt to move up regime change. The world is filled with potential 7/11 clerks to take their place.
I hear they're downsizing the DMV.
posted by Mr. Liberty at 9:39 AM
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