Helen Thomas is vowing to 'kill herself'

Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has said that she will "kill herself" if VP Dick Cheney announces he is running for president. Thomas, a Washington reporter for over a century, and 3/4 dead already, has indicated that she would put a gun to her head, pull the trigger, and blow her brains out on national tv if Cheney runs.

This is not good. Suicide is an immoral act (even for Miss Thomas) and if she did this thing on tv, it would frighten young children, old people, dogs and fat housewives so much, that they themselves would drop dead as well. In addition, it would not stop Cheney from announcing his intentions, if indeed he chooses to run. Indeed, political pundits say that this would be an encouragement to run for office.

Word has it that Mr. Cheney would not respond to a Thomas suicide, but would look more favorably on a Howard Dean suicide, or perhaps a Hillary Clinton. Sources say that these two deaths would be more of a motivator. Of course, a murder/suicide of Bill and Hillary Clinton would cinch the deal. If that were to occur, Vice President Cheney would declare for the directorship...I mean presidency as soon as he could arrange for the disposal of his Italian mistress. It all depends on how happy certain events would make Cheney, as he is very depressed right now due to his enlarged prostate starting to make his bladder rotate backwards.

More to come...