My Conversion To Catholicism

Wherever you are, stop what you're doing and pray for Norfolk, Virginia. The home of the world's largest naval apparatus has a temperature of 95 degrees today, and only God knows what it is in the shade, because I'm not stupid enough to go outside and sit under a tree. The thermometer says "95", but I'll bet the "feel like" temp is more like 97 or 98 and thus is killing us.

I'm so desperate that I am considering ditching my Judaism and converting to the Catholic faith just to get a priest to put his cold clammy hands along my supple body and make me. That's probably going too far, though.

I could turn the air conditioner on, but mine is a 1934 model from W.T. Grant's and runs on pureed horse shit. I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay the prices they're asking down by the stables for pureed H.S. Besides, once one of the horseshit air conditioners really gets cranking, it cools the air ok, but it smells like shit.

I wonder if the 7/11 convicts would mind if I ran naked, willy-nilly (and I rarely do that anymore) back through the Slurpie works slopping my head with all the flavors and maybe filch an ice cream sandwich to eat during a rest period.

It's so damn hot. And being of unsound mind, I have few options (see above).

I guess I'll just go to the movies and sit in between the décolleté of a fat lady. It's always been real cool there, and I may try that again.

More heat reports, as they kill us off, one by one.

Joe