Columnist Job
There was an opening for a guest columist job here in Norfolk to replace Dave Addis for the local paper. So I sent in my prayers:
Dear Ms. Whosits,
I realize that Dave Addis’ body probably isn’t even cold yet, but I would respectively like to apply for the columnist’ job that his passing leaves open. I realize that Dave isn’t really dead, but give us readers out here a while and we will forget all about him. And that’s a fate worse than death.
Sure, Dave provided us with mounds of hilarious and thought provoking copy during his tenure with the newspaper, but now that he’s dead…damn, sorry about that. Every time I think of him now it’s with a memorial wreath strung around his neck. Now that he is retiring (to watch more television, eat, I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?) there is room for fresh blood, or better yet, fresh milk, which I would be more than happy to bring a pail of with me every day to work at the paper (with straws for everyone!!) if it would help me get the job.
I have extensive credentials as a writer, but due to the war, I am not allowed to reveal them. Let’s just say that I could write a whole book, if you gave me enough paper, and the thick ends to keep it all together. I would also bring a fresh outlook and perspective to column writing.
When I was only 12 years old, I kept a diary of all the food I ate for a whole year. This book was lost in a fire and flood, so you can’t see it. But if you could, I know you would be impressed at my attention for detail and insights of a 12 year old fat boy who loved TV and food and racy books. I was really a marvelous child, running hither and yon, throughout the house on a Saturday, with no one home and no one to stop me from eating, watching TV, and sleeping. This alone, I believe, should put me in contention for your grand prize. And if not that, I would still be willing to take the columnist’ job.
I was holding back on the most important and main reason I should be considered for the new opening. I already work at the paper! I have a nice paper route that allows me to deliver the Pilot to hotels around Norfolk. I get a dime a piece, of which I would not be averse to applying some of that pay to the column money. I get 10 cents per paper for my hotel route. If you were to add, perhaps, a penny to each paper that my new column appears in, for a total of eleven cents, I would be quite happy with that. I would thank you with a nice handshake, as I don’t believe we know each other well enough to kiss. We could dance a little, but I’m not really very good, so I’ll sit this one out. Maybe at one of the paper’s parties I could get you something from the buffet table.
I’ll bet it’s just loaded with goodies of all kinds, tables upon tables groaning with Terrapin Breast of Spring Chicken, Cold meats, salad, fish, pate de fois gras, ice cream molds, bonbons, and fruits. That’s what they served at Grover X Cleveland’s White House wedding, and should be good enough for us. However, whatever you decide to serve, perhaps as a coming aboard party for me, I would most humbly share with you and the other ladies.
Thank you for your consideration. Please send money.
Sincerely,
Joey Postove
Dear Ms. Whosits,
I realize that Dave Addis’ body probably isn’t even cold yet, but I would respectively like to apply for the columnist’ job that his passing leaves open. I realize that Dave isn’t really dead, but give us readers out here a while and we will forget all about him. And that’s a fate worse than death.
Sure, Dave provided us with mounds of hilarious and thought provoking copy during his tenure with the newspaper, but now that he’s dead…damn, sorry about that. Every time I think of him now it’s with a memorial wreath strung around his neck. Now that he is retiring (to watch more television, eat, I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?) there is room for fresh blood, or better yet, fresh milk, which I would be more than happy to bring a pail of with me every day to work at the paper (with straws for everyone!!) if it would help me get the job.
I have extensive credentials as a writer, but due to the war, I am not allowed to reveal them. Let’s just say that I could write a whole book, if you gave me enough paper, and the thick ends to keep it all together. I would also bring a fresh outlook and perspective to column writing.
When I was only 12 years old, I kept a diary of all the food I ate for a whole year. This book was lost in a fire and flood, so you can’t see it. But if you could, I know you would be impressed at my attention for detail and insights of a 12 year old fat boy who loved TV and food and racy books. I was really a marvelous child, running hither and yon, throughout the house on a Saturday, with no one home and no one to stop me from eating, watching TV, and sleeping. This alone, I believe, should put me in contention for your grand prize. And if not that, I would still be willing to take the columnist’ job.
I was holding back on the most important and main reason I should be considered for the new opening. I already work at the paper! I have a nice paper route that allows me to deliver the Pilot to hotels around Norfolk. I get a dime a piece, of which I would not be averse to applying some of that pay to the column money. I get 10 cents per paper for my hotel route. If you were to add, perhaps, a penny to each paper that my new column appears in, for a total of eleven cents, I would be quite happy with that. I would thank you with a nice handshake, as I don’t believe we know each other well enough to kiss. We could dance a little, but I’m not really very good, so I’ll sit this one out. Maybe at one of the paper’s parties I could get you something from the buffet table.
I’ll bet it’s just loaded with goodies of all kinds, tables upon tables groaning with Terrapin Breast of Spring Chicken, Cold meats, salad, fish, pate de fois gras, ice cream molds, bonbons, and fruits. That’s what they served at Grover X Cleveland’s White House wedding, and should be good enough for us. However, whatever you decide to serve, perhaps as a coming aboard party for me, I would most humbly share with you and the other ladies.
Thank you for your consideration. Please send money.
Sincerely,
Joey Postove
posted by Mr. Liberty at 8:56 AM
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