Mayberry Doctor Devises Technique for Lengthening Limbs
Mayberry Doctor Devises Technique for Lengthening Limbs
by Johnny Lips
People whose limbs are short — either because they were born that way or because of amputation or accident — can get longer and better limbs thanks to a procedure developed by a Dr. Uncle Joe in Mayberry, North Carolina. The method was devised in Mayberry because of horrific numbers of injured pussy cats whose legs and arms refused to mend properly after falling five or six or more stories from high buildings. It is often thought that cats who land on their feet are "ok", but research at the Katz Institute for "The Study Of Cats Falling Down And Going Boom" showed that these cats are often severely injured and need to have their tummy's rubbed and massive surgery on their legs.
For years many residents of Mayberry have thought that this could have helped Barney Fife in his attempt to grow a couple of inches in order to fulfill the new Civil Service requirements for height and weight. Aunt Bee could put the weight on him, but Fife had to resort to using old Asa's harness in order to stretch his neck and get that extra inch of height. This method would have been much better. And much less painful in the genecktasoinkt. But do you think he would listen? No, he just went on his merry way. Thank goodness Barney was able to pass the exam. But of course, as we all now know, he had to cheat a little.
In the study medics attached rods to the limbs and told the affected patients to eat pies and cakes until it came out of their ears and then shove corn cobs into a Coke machine to try and scoop up any loose change. This worked very well for shortening the fractured limb and rejoining the parts. But when a patient did the procedure the wrong way, it lengthened the joined ends, doctors discovered. Dr. Uncle Joe said that only pies and cakes, perhaps with a little pudding wrapped in a napkin would make whatever it was we were talking about work better than the old way.
Finally the doctor said to the patients to figure it out for themselves, and he left for a business trip to Picksley, where the radio said there was a nickel buffet filled with wonderful foods like cheese flavored radio shoes, time tested baloney pops, sugar muffins sprayed with grease from a tin can found outside Chubby Checker's pay toilet, oven mitt surprise, potato tube top butter licks and for dessert, a mixture of fried beef poison filled with love.
by Johnny Lips
People whose limbs are short — either because they were born that way or because of amputation or accident — can get longer and better limbs thanks to a procedure developed by a Dr. Uncle Joe in Mayberry, North Carolina. The method was devised in Mayberry because of horrific numbers of injured pussy cats whose legs and arms refused to mend properly after falling five or six or more stories from high buildings. It is often thought that cats who land on their feet are "ok", but research at the Katz Institute for "The Study Of Cats Falling Down And Going Boom" showed that these cats are often severely injured and need to have their tummy's rubbed and massive surgery on their legs.
For years many residents of Mayberry have thought that this could have helped Barney Fife in his attempt to grow a couple of inches in order to fulfill the new Civil Service requirements for height and weight. Aunt Bee could put the weight on him, but Fife had to resort to using old Asa's harness in order to stretch his neck and get that extra inch of height. This method would have been much better. And much less painful in the genecktasoinkt. But do you think he would listen? No, he just went on his merry way. Thank goodness Barney was able to pass the exam. But of course, as we all now know, he had to cheat a little.
In the study medics attached rods to the limbs and told the affected patients to eat pies and cakes until it came out of their ears and then shove corn cobs into a Coke machine to try and scoop up any loose change. This worked very well for shortening the fractured limb and rejoining the parts. But when a patient did the procedure the wrong way, it lengthened the joined ends, doctors discovered. Dr. Uncle Joe said that only pies and cakes, perhaps with a little pudding wrapped in a napkin would make whatever it was we were talking about work better than the old way.
Finally the doctor said to the patients to figure it out for themselves, and he left for a business trip to Picksley, where the radio said there was a nickel buffet filled with wonderful foods like cheese flavored radio shoes, time tested baloney pops, sugar muffins sprayed with grease from a tin can found outside Chubby Checker's pay toilet, oven mitt surprise, potato tube top butter licks and for dessert, a mixture of fried beef poison filled with love.
posted by Mr. Liberty at 6:38 PM
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