Happy Birthday Jesus
Dear Jesus,
Allow me to be the first to wish you a very happy birthday, and many happy returns of the day. Well, at least one return, huh? That's what your folks are waiting for, aren't they? Take your shoes off. Y'all come back now, y'hear? That's from a tv show, the Beverly Hillbillies. I don't know what channel it comes on where you are.
I was going to write Santa Claus again this year with my list (even though I'm a Jew, like you, Santa continues to ignore me) but that's a waste. The man has become so commercial that he pretends the Jews don't even exist. Ha! If it wasn't for you, Fats wouldn't even have a job, one day a year that it is; the slob. See, Jesus, if you hadn't converted to Christianity (was it a girl?) there would be no "Christmas" and people the world around wouldn't get off on busting a gut for you. I'm just saying. You got the gig as Lord and Savior, and then turned your back on your own people. But you had to do what you had to do.
Look at it this way. If we Jews took a vote on whether or not to crucify you today, you would beat the rap big time. I don't even think it would be close. Of course, you would have to canvass in the Jewish neighborhoods, and that could be a bit sticky. My sister, who is Orthodox, thinks you're a sorcerer, and you would need to work to get the Orthodox vote. Conservatives would probably split down the middle, but you would beat being crucified again because you would clean up with the Reform Jews. It's not that they love you all that much, but they do need a standard-bearer, kind of a William Jennings Bryan type to go around convincing the other Jews that they should be treated with more respect. They are really tired of that "Reform doesn't count" business. So if you came back, don't worry about being crucified again.
Now about my toys. Since that fat slob, Santa, doesn't love me like you (kissee kissee :>) could you bring my stuff on Christmas day? I know, you're thinking that you should be the one to get presents on your own birthday, and you would have a point. But the tradition is so intact among the goyim and Jews like me who like Christmas, that we expect. And I won't have you do the indignity of sliding down my chimney to leave the gifts. My address is in the shul book, and just ring the bell. We'll talk, have a drink, maybe take in a club, and if you want, I know a few nice Jewish girls. I'm just thinking out loud. Keep your shirt on!
So, happy birthday, Mr. Jesus Christ. And may you have many more!
Joe Postove
Allow me to be the first to wish you a very happy birthday, and many happy returns of the day. Well, at least one return, huh? That's what your folks are waiting for, aren't they? Take your shoes off. Y'all come back now, y'hear? That's from a tv show, the Beverly Hillbillies. I don't know what channel it comes on where you are.
I was going to write Santa Claus again this year with my list (even though I'm a Jew, like you, Santa continues to ignore me) but that's a waste. The man has become so commercial that he pretends the Jews don't even exist. Ha! If it wasn't for you, Fats wouldn't even have a job, one day a year that it is; the slob. See, Jesus, if you hadn't converted to Christianity (was it a girl?) there would be no "Christmas" and people the world around wouldn't get off on busting a gut for you. I'm just saying. You got the gig as Lord and Savior, and then turned your back on your own people. But you had to do what you had to do.
Look at it this way. If we Jews took a vote on whether or not to crucify you today, you would beat the rap big time. I don't even think it would be close. Of course, you would have to canvass in the Jewish neighborhoods, and that could be a bit sticky. My sister, who is Orthodox, thinks you're a sorcerer, and you would need to work to get the Orthodox vote. Conservatives would probably split down the middle, but you would beat being crucified again because you would clean up with the Reform Jews. It's not that they love you all that much, but they do need a standard-bearer, kind of a William Jennings Bryan type to go around convincing the other Jews that they should be treated with more respect. They are really tired of that "Reform doesn't count" business. So if you came back, don't worry about being crucified again.
Now about my toys. Since that fat slob, Santa, doesn't love me like you (kissee kissee :>) could you bring my stuff on Christmas day? I know, you're thinking that you should be the one to get presents on your own birthday, and you would have a point. But the tradition is so intact among the goyim and Jews like me who like Christmas, that we expect. And I won't have you do the indignity of sliding down my chimney to leave the gifts. My address is in the shul book, and just ring the bell. We'll talk, have a drink, maybe take in a club, and if you want, I know a few nice Jewish girls. I'm just thinking out loud. Keep your shirt on!
So, happy birthday, Mr. Jesus Christ. And may you have many more!
Joe Postove
posted by Mr. Liberty at 2:30 AM
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