Art Linkletter's Picnic

Well, we had the annual Art Linkletter Fan Club picnic and dance yesterday, and sadly, yet again it was only Art and me. I don't feel so bad for myself, because I could watch tv or look out the window all during the day when the festivities were to take place. Poor old Art, nude and sitting on the roof in his accustomed place was looking every day of his 97 years.

These fan club annuals have been getting fewer and fewer participants for years now, and I think Art is finally feeling rather sad about it all.I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of starting the fan club if I thought the fan base would wither so rapidly and depressingly. I had plenty of cold turkey sandwiches, potato chips, and diet root beer, plus records for the dance. I had planned to have all the fans congregate in the back yard, single file, with their faces away from the sun so as to avoid premature aging (I started doing this with Art years ago, and he looks a little younger than his true age).

Plus as a bonus, I had hired some girls from the USO to help the younger men with their dance moves (not to mention a possible date later on, depending on how the evening went).

So now we plan for next year. After coming off the roof and showering, then dressing, putting on his shoes himself, one after the other, successfully making a number two, and then catching the next plane for home, Art called this morning, rather sad, but accepting my invitation for another Fan Club Extravaganza next year.Let's make this one a winner!

Astronomers claim discovery of solar system's 10th planet. Filled with pus

PASADENA, California (Postove News Service)-- A group of astronomers announced Friday that an object they discovered in the distant reaches of the solar system is large enough to be classified as the 10th planet. This planet, called Pauline, after a fat chick who used to make me sandwiches at a restaurant I worked at as a kid, is filled with a pus like substance that NASA scientists say seems to be pus.
Pauline -- located 96 times as far from the Earth as the Earth is from the sun, or nearly 998,876,545 billion miles away -- was first photographed in October 2003 by astronomers at Disneyland. Also sighted on the new planet was a bucket of fried chicken, a gambling casino, and a Macintosh computer, which led astronomers to believe that this planet may make a bid for foreign aid and high class hookers from Atlantic City.


While researchers say they aren't yet sure of its actual size, they have determined the object is bigger than Pluto, but smaller than the space between my thumb and fore finger, which I am making now, here at home.
"If Pluto is a planet, it seems reasonable that something that's bigger than Pluto, and further away than Pluto, should be called a planet, too," said Mike Brown, a Cal Tech planetary scientist who made the discovery with colleagues Chad Trujillo of the Gemini Observatory and David Rabinowitz of Yale University. The planet seems to be closed on Friday nights until Saturday nights, which cause scientists to believe that it may be Orthodox. That can not be determined until the planet takes it pants down, though. That may come later this week, as we establish radio communication, and try to coax its pants off.


President Bush said today, that the United States would forgive outstanding debt owed to us by Pauline. However, the planet has yet to apply for international aid, not yet able to get here to get in the line. When they do, there will be fresh sandwiches, fruit, orange aid, and mixed nuts.
We here on earth look forward to dealing with Pauline. And then destroying her, in order to establish democracy. The pus will be drained.

Joe

The Disconnect

Last Night I Had A Fit
I Am Not Fit For It

Today, In The News
They Discovered An Old Man
Dead In Front Of The TV
For A Year Or More

The TV Was Still On

He Was Turned Off

And No One Noticed

But I Saw Me In Ten Years

Till Twelve...Yeah

It not very manly, I suppose, to admit to wetting the bed as a child, but I did, so there. I think it's better of one to cast off the errors of youth and steam up some of that fresh air of truth, and tell it.I wet the bed until I was twelve, when I learned to aim over the side and hit the pee bucket by the door.

That's a lie, but I thought it was funny, so its included here. I really did wet the bed until twelve, and then, as if the urine fairy had cinched my bladder, I stopped.I don't remember starting this habit (although I was probably peeing as I slid out of my Mom) and interestingly, as horrid as it was, I don't remember the momentous event of stopping. I just did.Now I pee anywhere I want and all the time. I don't in bed, but as a man I can, and do, almost anywhere else; behind car doors, in back of trees, big gulp cups, pay toilets, almost anywhere I choose, except in bed.

I am a grown man.

Coke Zero

This is a repeat from 2005. The good old days. Enjoy and do not tell your friends.

I was in the 7/11 this afternoon gathering my lunch bucket, when I noticed a new product. I'm not one to try many of the new products (I still have my original Thom McCann "Twist" shoes and my Nixon extra large emergency pee cup from the '68 campaign) so I'm not really up on what's hep.But when I was about to fetch my Diet Pepsi, God took hold of my eyes, one at a time, and moved them 3/4 of an inch to the right, where I saw COKE ZERO for the first time.

I'm glad I saw it now, because I was unaware that they were going to start numbering the Cokes, and I like being on the ground floor. But I'm not sure that zero is a number. Like I don't know if white is a color. This could be problem for the Coke people, if they start numbering their products at zero and zero turns out not to be a number at all. What do they do then? Where will they go with their soft drink line? They would have to trash the whole concept and wiggle it back up to the drawing board for the the experts to reconsider.

Capitalism can be cutthroat. Oh. Coke Zero tastes exactly the same as Diet Coke. And Diet Pepsi, for that matter. But I don't think they were concerned with the taste as much as they were with getting the numbers right.Good luck, Coca-Cola!

Joe Postove