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Here She Comes...

They finally got around to crowning the new Miss America last night, after leaving Sin City, Atlantic City for Sinner City, Las Vegas. The winner was a nice young girl from Muskogee Oklahoma.

They don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee; they don't take their trips on LSD. They also don't burn their draft cards down on Main Street. They like livin' right, and bein' free. So what is the new Miss America gonna get? A one year contract at the Chicken Ranch just outside the city limits, a mink stole, five thousand in chips from Binion's, and all the tips she can make.

This was all a mistake. If they wanted to really Americanize the pageant, and make it really wholesome (and not an introduction to prostitution for the winner and her court of runner-ups) then they should have held the thing in Branson. It would have been the most exciting thing there since the rumors that Donnie and Marie were getting married.

To different people! For God's sake, what were you thinking. What a dirty mind. Jiminy Cricket! Now just shut up and read, I'm almost finished.

I really felt sorry for the contestants in this years pageant. The talent competition was demonstrating one's ability to deal cards and work the pit. Miss Oklahoma was a wiz with the ball on the roulette wheel. She wore a thong and spit on the ball so that it would hit her number (17) and since she bet a dollar she won $335.00 in addition to all of her other prizes. The girls also had to serve drinks to the players and make change for the slots players, so the contest was a tough one this year.

I kind of miss the baton twirlers.

Joe Postove

The Two Faces Of She

After they gave that French lady a new face, they expected her to be responsible for daily upkeep (washing it, powdering, lip wax, etc...) but now it seems she has taken up her old habit of smoking cigarettes again.

This wouldn't be so bad, except that the doctors gave her an extra lip (as kind of a house of horrors beauty mark. French doctors do not lack a sense of humors!) and smoking with three lips is not only difficult, but painful. She balances the smokes on her top lip, and then flips it into the air so that her bottom two lips can grasp and suck. Grasp and suck. That's what they say in France. And it's terrible.

The doctors say that smoking, while not only bad for her general health, is burning holes in some of her cheeks and her tongue, which now resides on the outside of her mouth, near her middle eye. She is taking a great risk, they say, that could hurt her face and cause some of the extra parts they installed to fall off.

So we'll have to wait and see. Her newest boob, adjacent to the second, more industrial eyelash appears to be doing fine.

Good luck, French face transplant lady!

Joe Postove

Sam

After the fall they took Sam to the long term convalescent center to determine if and when he can get the strength to go back home and live on his own.

I went to see Sam today. I brought him the Veggi sub from Subway, which he loves. I had the tuna. We talked and ate. I listened more, and there were more silences than usual when we are together. Sam thinks he'll die in about a year. I said he could make it to one hundred, if he continues to eat well and take care of himself. There is nothing one can do about accidents except be careful. He brings on the calm in me.

Sam wants to go back home, but is semi-resigned to not, if he can't. At ninety, his overall attitude is better than mine at fortynine. You know it, if you read my blog. Shan't go there now.

Sam is not happy. But more importantly, he is not sad. One of the reasons I like him so much is that he talks to me directly, without the interference of bullshit. And we both have excellent bullshit detectors. He knows what he knows, and is prepared to go on with what life presents, or go ahead and go to sleep and die. Sam is very amenable.

He has lived well.

Joe

Catch Phrases For 2006!

My annual gift to the world is to help humanity become better at...well, whatever the hell they want. I actually have very little to do with humanity. I don't like them much, the bastards have always kept me down.

However, I do like to add new catch phrases to our common lexicon, and this year is no different. Except for different phrases, a different year, and also this is the first time I've offered this up to you.

So, get what you can out of it, because I'm not too happy with you, anyway. You all didn't appreciate me last year as much as I calculated you should. But, listen. You ain't perfect. God knows.

NEW CATCH PHRASES FOR 2006 BY JOE POSTOVE-not copyrighted

1: These chocolates are making me horny!
2: All you bastards are stealing my lunch!
3: These shoes are making my feet itch!
4: You can drive my car, but only the brake!
5: These nudists are making me blind!
6: These pretzels are making me thirsty! (stolen from Seinfeld without permission)
7: These chunks of stool are crowding my toilet!
8: The butter on my bread has shoe polish mixed into it!
9: The mohel has cut off too much!
10: These Jews Harp's are making me Orthodox!

Enjoy my catch phrases, and be sure to join me back here next year, when I parade around in my new rain hat.

Joe

My Friend Sam

My 90 year old friend, Sam, who feeds me, and talks to me, and treats me like the human that others forget that I am, looked at me from his hospital bed, and I saw a tiny sliver of his humaness and personhood slipping away.

He fell last week, while out shopping without me. I couldn't reach him and he not me. I found out he was in the hospital, only because some old lady who I drive back from the supermarket sometimes, if she catches me, told me about it.

Today they took Sam to a rehab hospital, but he and I were not sure what it was he was getting fixed. He felt good, looked fine, but spoke of working as a stevedore in San Francisco fifty years ago in the middle of a sentence of wanting to live the free life, unencumbered by anyone not invited in.

Alone when he wanted to be. With others when he wanted to be. I think that's over.

I don't know what to do.

Joe Postove