Heatie
Norfolk is damn hot today. And I don't mean that in the good sense, in that you would like to take Norfolk out to a boat show, or downtown to a pay toilet, or maybe take in a movie at the film center just to show her off.
No, just hot. Like a million degrees Fahrenheit. Lots of sun (I gloobed on the sunscreen today, and I still feel like Granny after a lye soap bath). Now, of course I don't attribute any of this to global warming. This is happening because the Earth is being pushed by Martian hermaphrodites closer to the sun, so that Mars can catch a breeze when Venus swings by on the 20th of the month. Goddamn Mars! Bastards up there, with an inferior society (they don't have sex, or Nehi drinks, or tater tots, or any kind of tots as far as know). I have not made a thorough study of the subject. I just know what the folks at my pay toilets tell me.
That's another thing. Business at the pay stalls is off by half because of the hot weather. People, whoever they may be, hermie's, trans, gays, regulars, Orthodox Jews, Quakers, and all of the others who have their own special toilets are so beaten down by the hotness of God Almighty's ass perfume, that they can't even make it downtown to my commodes. And I am even providing free transportation for anyone who calls or telegraphs me down at the stalls. I'll send one of the kids from school with her wagon to pick you up, and carry you down for cut rate pee's and shit's. That right folks...I said cut rate. A #1 is now only a nickle and plop plops (under 10 minutes of course) are just a dime.
Won't you all come on out to our wonderful pay toilets? I'm on my knees here, folks. Cash supply is so low, that last night, I went to the bowling alley and stole some balls and pins. I made a buck on 'em.
Tomorrow we'll be serving watermelon, fried chicken, pizza, tacos, malted milks, toast and jam, and tater tots for the kids. There will be free balloons and rectal exams for the seniors. Open 24 hours a day, but come early. Please be a responsible citizen. Use our receptacles, and leave the 7/11 cups alone!
We'll all have a great time. My leg hurts.
Joe
No, just hot. Like a million degrees Fahrenheit. Lots of sun (I gloobed on the sunscreen today, and I still feel like Granny after a lye soap bath). Now, of course I don't attribute any of this to global warming. This is happening because the Earth is being pushed by Martian hermaphrodites closer to the sun, so that Mars can catch a breeze when Venus swings by on the 20th of the month. Goddamn Mars! Bastards up there, with an inferior society (they don't have sex, or Nehi drinks, or tater tots, or any kind of tots as far as know). I have not made a thorough study of the subject. I just know what the folks at my pay toilets tell me.
That's another thing. Business at the pay stalls is off by half because of the hot weather. People, whoever they may be, hermie's, trans, gays, regulars, Orthodox Jews, Quakers, and all of the others who have their own special toilets are so beaten down by the hotness of God Almighty's ass perfume, that they can't even make it downtown to my commodes. And I am even providing free transportation for anyone who calls or telegraphs me down at the stalls. I'll send one of the kids from school with her wagon to pick you up, and carry you down for cut rate pee's and shit's. That right folks...I said cut rate. A #1 is now only a nickle and plop plops (under 10 minutes of course) are just a dime.
Won't you all come on out to our wonderful pay toilets? I'm on my knees here, folks. Cash supply is so low, that last night, I went to the bowling alley and stole some balls and pins. I made a buck on 'em.
Tomorrow we'll be serving watermelon, fried chicken, pizza, tacos, malted milks, toast and jam, and tater tots for the kids. There will be free balloons and rectal exams for the seniors. Open 24 hours a day, but come early. Please be a responsible citizen. Use our receptacles, and leave the 7/11 cups alone!
We'll all have a great time. My leg hurts.
Joe
posted by Mr. Liberty at 1:29 PM
2 Comments:
Excellent. One of your finest.
Very well crafted and funny.
Thanks Phil, its been so hot down here in Norfolk, that I thought perhaps my writing may be taking a hit.
But you propped me up. Thanks, I needed a proppen.
Ask Spider to bring me a drink, huh?
And could you bring me a dish of ice milk when you pass out at the ice box?
Thanks, dude!
Joe
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