Saturday, November 06, 2010


I've had a little heartburn this week, which has kept me from my appointed rounds. Not really dyspepsia, which is stomach upset, so much as a burning in the upper digestive tract, and rolling a little towards the back. A coke clears it up. But sometimes, like when I'm in the car on the interstate going 80, I ain't near a Coke. Or a Pepsi. But they do clean me out.

When I say clean me out, I don't mean in the way that an enema would, but just that the carbonation offstinks the indigestion and I continue to live. I'll be 54 next month. My brain is 100, and my face and body are 35. So I averaged that out to a clean 54. I was listening to NPR yesterday, and there was a show about fancy enemas. Vanilla Phosphate, choco-cream cookie, bubble-gum, cheese and crackers, coffee, with cream, sugar and pis, and my favorite, the old fashioned cake enema. It is really great, they say, especially when it is festooned with a bride and groom on the top. I can see where that would make it a little tough going in, but I suppose if you leave them in there long enough, they would melt. Plus they come in all kinds of candied flavors. Its better than the thistle-thorn enema, which has been known to tear the anus to pieces.

But this is all conjecture. I haven't had one yet, and I suppose I should. I wouldn't want a homosexual doctor (I want my physicians to work at what they're doing, not play inside me). But my regular M.D. looks straight to me, so I would say DIG IN, MAN!

It could be embarrassing too. What if they found some weird stuff up there? Stuff that I never knew about, but maybe floated upstream when I was a kid. I would be mortified to find a toy boat, or a pair of ladies stockings. Gee, what if the doctor found a fetus? It would blow my mind. Blow it up, dude.

I wish I knew how much time they spent in my dark continent looking for shit (I know they'll find plenty of shit shit...I mean shit as in uncool shit). And when the thick steel rod is up my tushy-meat, and I woke up, all of a sudden, and squealed, would I be gay? There's got to be a better way.

Have a great weekend, ladles. There is a concert at my toilet tonight.



Blogger phil said...

It was a great concert, Joe. Thanks!
For those who could not attend, it featured:

The Pipe Fitters
Cheese Enema Five
Stall(featuring Water)


7:28 AM  
Blogger Lil' Joey said...

Concert??? Dyspepsia was never the same after I left the band, Phil. Never, ever, the same.

Lil' Joey

4:28 AM  

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