Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I'll be open for Christmas this year! Wide open like a prostitute on a warm summer's day. Open so lovely that Christian and Jew alike will swarm onto the downtown sector of Norfolk to see me open.

So I'm open. What do I have to prove now, big deal? I remember watching the "CBS Evening News" in the 1970's on a Christmas night and who should I see doing the news on this holy day, but Walter himself. Jesus Christ! I didn't see Him doing the news but old Walter was open to the public. He did have a nice Christmas, however. Leslie Stall (she was named after my toilet business) was underneath the desk playing with his journalistic integrity. And so it goes.

Christmas is, as you Christians know, is a nutty time for Jews. We have Hanukkah, and the Ladies Club Annual Daisy Chain, not to mention crucifying a member of our congregation, in honor of Christ, who belongs to us, even if we had to let him go on technicalities. Don't misunderstand me (I do that well enough myself) but Jesus had all of his Jewish bonifides, so we let him go cus he associated too much with gentiles. We can allow a lot of things, but we have to watch our tail when it comes to you people (I didn't mean you).

Also in December, I have my annual birthday celebration at the Vatican (the Pope ever so nicely took me by the hand last week and showed me the basement where they have the world's largest collection of porn. He tried to steer me towards the gay porn, but I pulled away before he could corner me, and I ran and ran and ran, until I could run no more. Boy was I tired. But I found the good stuff myself, and stuffed myself with candy bars and Yoo-Hoos from the snack machine in the Vatican basement. I did something else too. But I am so ashamed. And now I am blind. I hope God or Jesus will hold me in their arms and if they can't restore my sight, then at least array a host of snacks on my bed, back home, and let me eat all I want, or until I vomit.

No one can say I don't get all I can out of Christmas. I like a nice homo (whoops, I mean Homey) Christmas, and my friends, I do wish all of you who celebrate the holiday, A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

And those of you who don't, well, just close the blinds, turn out the lights, and for God's sake don't answer the door. It may be a Christian!


PS...This will be my last blog until after Christmas because the Library is closed, and while the toilets will be open, the phones are double the price during the holidays. I stick it to the heathens, tra la la la la, la la, la, la.

See you next week, I love you all so much!



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