Is It New Year's Yet?

I'm getting damn tired of waiting for 2010. Every year at this time, all we do is sit and wait and look at the clock hoping that midnight comes and Guy Lombardo comes back to life (wouldn't that be smashing!?)

I've already wished many of you a Happy New Year (you others know who you are) so I won't figure eight that routine again tonight. Besides, I'm off from work at the work house tomorrow, and I should have time to come to this public computer (who knows where the hands of the person who used it before me have been...but we move along).

Now don't forget, the plan is to gather at the gas station across the street from my apartment about quarter til midnight to celebrate the big hoo-haw. I hope you bumpkins can stay awake that long. NO SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY, Sadie!

There will be an open bar at the Yoo-Hoo machine, which also carries Upper Ten, Nee-Hi Grape and Orange, Uncle Don's Spit Cola, and maybe one or two other drinks. All I know, whenever I get a drink there I put my dime in at the Yoo-Hoo slot, and chug it down. I ain't responsible for drunk driving, unless I'm at the wheel. Then, unless I can scoot over and make like you were driving, I'll take the rap. But I know the cops, and maybe I'll offer you up (you're a woman, right?) and we'll be free and on our way.


WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Don't worry about anything. I'll probably be here tomorrow, and give you more info on the party plans. Until then, I'll be home asleep.

Love,

Joey

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Friday is New Years Day, and I might not get to a public facility to post my most precious New Year's greetings to you and yours and the people who live with you, the bum at the 7/11, grandma, your ex-wife, and my Jews.

It is a different night, New Years Eve, than it was when my parents would get so goddamned dressed up, I thought maybe they were leaving home for good, maybe to make it in Vegas. My Mom would wear a beautiful sequin gown, having had her hair done that afternoon (wash, set, comb out, whatever else the girls do in the beauty parlor, and look like Elizabeth Taylor).

Dad, who was a locksmith and came home filthy most nights (Mom made him bathe before supper) because he worked 10 hours a day to make a living for a wife and four kids who spent money like he was old money. I mean we spent the money he earned in that little key shop like the gravy train would never end.

Back to New Year's Eve. The old man would put on his finest suit (he had THREE!), take a long bath, then a shower, put on some of that cologne Mom gave him for his last birthday, and when both were ready to leave, they looked like movie stars. I really want to say MF'n movie stars, but both parents are dead, and c'mon...respect, dudes!

And once the baby-sitter arrived, Ma and Pa Hollywood would kiss us goodnight, tell the girl we could stay up until midnight to watch the ball in Times Square, then it was off to bed. She was usually asleep before then (we had ugly baby-sitters who couldn't get a date) and my little sister and me would stay up past Midnight, watch Johnny, or even Guy Lombardo, and then drift off to near death, in case some madman came into the house. After all the stupid baby-sitter was asleep. We could have been killed every year, for pete's sake, Goddamn it!

I don't know what time the folks got home. Sometimes I would wake up a little, and hear them trying to make it up the stairs (Dad wasn't much of a drinker..or dancer, come to think of it. I wonder what the hell he did at the country club?). But Mom, would kick out the jams on New Year's, and I don't think she was ready for the new year until about the third of January. But she loved the holiday. And I miss it.

What do we do now that we're older than our folks were in their prime? Fall asleep about ten, masturbate to the radio (tv is broken) and pee in bed, just for old times sake.

We don't celebrate like they used too.

Happy New Year, my dear friends (and enemies..what the hell, it's New Year's!). Let's hope 2010 is a shorter year than 2009. This one was a stone M.....

See y'all in hell.

Joe Postove

Airplane Shenanigans

We came pretty close to tragedy on Christmas Day when Hassan Barbara Fink nearly blew down a plane over Detroit. I used three names from our three major religions, so that you would understand that we have to be liberal at this time, and I forgot the guys name anyway.

Now, I ain't saying, but would a bomb blast in downtown Detroit have been page one? I mean how do you tell the newly bombed out sections from the old ones? I would't want anyone to get killed or even hurt, but maybe this guy could have done a public service by clearing more of Mo-Town for urban renewal.

I don't really want that. It was just a sick nightmare that I wrote here on the blog. Call a cop, if you think it'll help. Thank God everyone got down safely and that we caught the miscreant. He's in a federal pen now, awaiting indictment, which should come sometime this century.

Now the bigger question, and President Obama was right on top of it today in a news conference held at his hideaway at the Hawaii Motel 6. I didn't hear it, but I did hear the news capsule of it "more diligence, and lasers, and full body cavity searches, and blah de blah, more money and we're on top of it". And I think he was pissed that he wasn't on the plane to prevent it himself. That was the jist of it anyway.

Perhaps now the time has come for us to put away the childish things of youth, and get this wagon train rolling with some REAL national security. Ladies, we cannot afford to fuck around anymore. We need a total revision of airline and airport security, and I think my plan is the only one worth considering (unless you have a better one, then we'll take a look at that at next week's pick-nik for former homosexuals).

Flying will from now on become less a way to travel than a method to show your patriotism to our homeland. When you get to the airport, men and women will be divided into two sections (the groups, not the individuals, you simp). Once the sexes are in an enclosed place, they will be requested by our boys with machine guns to disrobe, put all of your stuff (panties, jockstaps, brassieres, neckties, balloon pants, and simple pantaloons, hats) and all other clothing into a garbage bag (don't forget your twist ties folks...the government is NOT responsible for twist ties) mark it with your magic marker, and toss it into the communal hole.

Then, you will be given a very comfortable airplane suit made of cotton and left over wool from last year's sheep shearing to wear during the flight.

DO NOT BE AFRAID! DO NOT BE AFRAID!

Although the suits will not have any kind of zippers or buttons (for #1 or #2) this is for your own protection. A madman could, at anytime, stick a bomb in his airplane suit, and then, if he had a zipper, could take it out mid-flight and wreck all our plans. If during the flight you need to go, then a trained nurse will take you to a bomb proof section of the plane, whereupon, you will be able to pee pee, or move your bowels as much as you want. Please don't forget your dime! Afterwards, a trained intern will, uh, clean you (we cannot allow you to put your hands where we can't see them, so that's why the intern will have to wipe you, in case it's a #2....#1's, unless you are a leaker require no further aid). Then you put your cool airplane threads back on, and enjoy the rest of the flight.

This is the future of air travel. It could be worse. Give me some time to think how, huh?

Joe Postove

MERRY CHRISTMAS

We had our annual Christmas party at the auto warehouse where I now hang my head. We had the usual cheap eats like sub sandwiches, chili, potato salad, macaroni salad, chips, cake, cold drinks...you know, the kind of things that has gotten my sphincter muscles all excited. I'm posting this at the pinball machine at the bowling alley downtown, and even though I own the pay toilets here, I don't have my keys and I ain't got a dime. Man am I am roiling!

I may not be able to get to a public computer tomorrow to wish all of you and your families a mighty mighty Christmas, so I wanted to do it tonight before I go into seclusion with my brother Jews.

I'll probably spend Christmas the tradional way, alone, in my apartment (which is across the street from the gas station), with the shades drawn, and the lights out. We'un's don't think its a great idea to be out there too much on this, your holy day of Christ's birth, when we were the guys who offed him (or at least we told some other guys where he was). I'll probably get drunk and when evening comes go pis in some of the empty Salvation Army buckets (there's nothing wrong with that, by the way...they spend the money before Christmas anyhow, for your bums and such, so what's a little urine between religions?).

Sometimes I wish we Jews had a really good holiday like you guys. But what with your turkeys and hams and cranberry sauce, and stuffing, not to mention mashed potatos, corn on and off the cob, pies of all kinds, I well expect to do extra good business at my pay toilets in downtown Norfolk come Christmas afternoon.

Remember, we're at the corner of Church and Nebraska streets, right across from my Whorehouse (which will be closed for the holidays). Dime after dime will be flowing into my receptacle, and I will buy myself really nice for New Years (you should see the lines here then, with all of the drunks...I charge double AND get away with it!).

So go now and rest ye head on thy bed and wait for the day of saving grace that the birth of your savior meant to bring but had to go back to Heaven and pick up and bring back.

Two thousand years now Jesus.

Come back soon.

Lil' Joey Postove

A Jew Looks At Christmas

It's that time again. Time to wish all of my Christian friends a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And as a Jew, I never found this troubling. Sure I don't believe in Christ, and Santa disappointed me years ago AFTER I prayed to both Jesus and him to see if it might take.

Let's face it. Christmas is for Christians, and we Jews, no matter how nice we are about the whole thing, are ignored on Christmas Day. I see you Gentiles with your fancy new bikes and doll-babies, and X-Boxes, and all kinds of neat shit. Jews? Hannkkah? The only reason we have that dismal "winter festival" is because about 100 years ago, some liberal Jews thought that the Yid Kids needed something to do, while you guys gorged on Christmas hams, jellies, and all those dirty non-kosher foods you feed your babies.

I may be too harsh. Christmas is a loving season, in which you celebrate the birth of the savior (the messiah) and joyously proclaim to the world peace on earth, and goodwill to men. Then on the 26th the shooting begins again. If Jews ran the world (and we don't...believe it folks, we don't...if we did, do you think we would let you kick our ass time after time?) we would still allow the pagans to keep their Christmas, but all toys would be confiscated, to be given to poor Jewish boys and girls around the world (yeah there are some...we ain't all pawn brokers and lawyers) and the Pope would have to give back the Yarmica. We all know he stole it from a Bar-Mitzvah we invited him to back in '61. Plus all good looking Christian woman between the ages of 18 and 50 would have to dance naked on the alter at the nearest synagogue. These are our terms. there will be no negotiation.

In closing, since time is a gaining on us, may I, from my family to you and your's, wish you the merriest of Christmas' and happiest of New Years. Another year, anther Christmas. Santa will have to fly over millions of Jewish homes to get to all the Christian one's. But this is the religion we have chosen, so I let it go.

Lil' Joey

Hi There After All This Time

I'll bet I lost all of my readers during my long layoff from blogging. I apologize to everyone.

I was watching tv at the gas station across the street from my apartment (the guys there are really nice, not Jewish though) and lost track of all time. That and monitoring my pay toilet chain in downtown Norfolk, and drinking Yoo-Hoo's left me more than distracted.

I also forgot my password. I wrote it down on a piece of paper that I intend to keep.

This coming year (2010) I hope to be back to libertarianism this and libertarianism that, especially with our Dear Leader dragging us down the road to socialism (there I said it!).

For now, I'll leave you with a Happy Hannukah and Merry Christmas, and promise that we'll see more of each other from now on.

Now, I gotta eat something. I only had yogurt and fruit for breakfast, so my stomach has a great need inside.

Amen.

Joe Postove